“No one will play with me.” Do you know a child who says this? I think I can help. I’m an early childhood educator who has worked with the developing skills of preschool to primary grade children for more than thirty years, and I’m the author of more than a dozen books that tackle topics on social-emotional learning. I’d love to share three tips to help strengthen your child’s social skills, so that they are more successful with social interaction with their peers and in developing friendships.
PRACTICE TAKING TURNS
- Engage in an activity with your child and practice back-and-forth turn-taking with play materials, (I’m talking about those coveted favourite toys- the red shovel, the blue car, the pink marker!) Use some language here to ease any apprehension. “I’d like to use your pink marker while I colour the cloud and then I’ll give it back.” The more experience your child has in successful back and forth turn-taking the more confident they will be when it comes to taking turns with peers.
- Engage in pretend play and practice taking turns with who gets to pretend to be a certain character. You can also suggest switching to a different game, so that your child has practice taking turns in choosing the game. Encouraging turn-taking while in an activity with you can be a great way for your child to develop skills in communication and compromise, allowing them to eventually carry these skills through to play experiences with their friends. Children who are more able to consider the feelings of others, share and take turns will be more successful when socially engaging with peers and developing friendships. And while you are colouring or driving those cars this is a good time to demonstrate verbally to your child what it feels like if a friend isn’t taking turns. “It’s not fun to keep playing if I can’t ever use the blue car.” or “I really had fun being the big sister that time. Thanks for letting me take a turn!” * Please note that this is a social skill goal that we hope a child has a solid grasp of by the end of kindergarten. (back off on those toddlers!!! They are not yet there developmentally!)
- Practice with your child to help them advocate for themselves. Help your child get comfortable saying, “I’d like a turn soon.” Or “After we play here can we try my game?”
PRACTICE WITH A PEER
- Arrange practice time with another child. This could be a play date at your home or a meetup at a park. I’d recommend keeping the play date short and sweet the first time or two.
- This is the important part- keep close by! If your goal is social skills practice you want to be within earshot if there are conflicts, so that you can help the children maneuver through tricky social situations. This is not a “Go figure it out on your own,” kind of play date. Coach the kids through conflict with tips like, “I think he might be frustrated because he would like a turn now.” and “I bet if you told her that you were going to use the marker until you finished this part and then you’ll give it to her, she would feel happy.” In the same way that you are modelling language when you are doing activities with the child, help coach with language prompts if they are needed.
- And remember- the goal is to scaffold – which means you are going to pull back with the coaching as soon as your child is manoeuvring this social skill on their own. (Much like the scaffolding on a building is removed as soon as it is no longer needed.)
READ BOOKS ON MAKING FRIENDS
- Read books where characters develop friendships. When a child reads a story rich in social-emotional literacy, they experience the positive outcome of the story, they gain tips on how to solve social conflict and they gain language they can incorporate into their own social scenarios.
- It’s why I wrote the book, The Only Lonely Fairy, (Pajama Press) about a dramatic little girl who is convinced that no one will play with her. A child can connect with Leah thinking, “Sometimes I feel like no one wants to play with me.” Children can see the humour in the fact that Allie is right behind Leah trying to let her know that she also likes playing fairies, while Leah dramatically carries on that no one will play with her. As a young audience experiences the positive outcome of friends finding each other, they can gain an understanding that sometimes we need to keep looking when peers have not accepted our request to play. The Only Lonely Fairy gives the child language that they can try on their own, encouraging the use of those magic words, “Do you want to play?”
Picture books are an excellent learning tool for kindergarten children. Listed below are specific learning goals from the Ontario, Canada kindergarten curriculum which can be met when reading and discussing a social-emotional story like The Only Lonely Fairy, or Percy’s Perfect Friend, Tayra’s Not Talking, and What if Bunny’s Not a Bully? Check out my website for more information, for activity guides and for more picture books encouraging social emotional learning. www.lanabutton.com
Ontario Kindergarten Curriculum Learning Goals:
- Demonstrate an ability to use problem-solving skills in a variety of contexts, including social contexts
- Identify and use social skills in play and other contexts
- Communicate with others in a variety of ways, for a variety of purposes, and in a variety of contexts
- Demonstrate a sense of identity and a positive self-image
- Develop an appreciation of the multiple perspectives encountered within groups, and of ways in which they themselves
- Can contribute to groups and to group well-being
- Recognize bias in ideas and develop the self-confidence to stand up for themselves and others against prejudice and discrimination.
Social skills take practice. Let me know in the comments how your child copes with turn-taking.
Children's Author/ Speaker, Lana Button 